PSA: "Merry Christmas!" You're Doing It Wrong!!!

Just a friendly public service announcement to clear the air about all of this "War on Christmas"  -  "Happy Holidays" hysteria.  I am please to inform you that you are NOT actually experiencing religious oppression, but instead are suffering  from the unfortunate aftermath of being brought up with bad manners.  You were always free to say "Merry Christmas"....you simply never understood what in fact you were actually saying.  The great news for you is with this 3 minute class in basic common decency and etiquette,  you too can go back to saying Merry Christmas literally thousands of times a day!

The reason you think you are being oppressed by being asked not to say "Merry Christmas!" is because you were never told that greetings are always well wishes for the RECIPIENT OF THE GREETING!!!   When you say "Good Morning" you are saying a shortened version of "Hello! I hope YOU are having a good morning!" not "Hello! I am having a good morning! Isn't it awesome to be me!"  You can tell this is true because the first sentence makes you sound polite and the second makes you sound like a douche bag!  You can also tell this is true, because there is no American custom to greet people about special events that only you experience, like you don't go around shouting "Happy Birthday!" to random strangers on your own birthday.  Mind. BLOWN!

 Now that you understand how greetings actually work, you suddenly understand that when you say "Merry Christmas!" you are really saying "Hello! I hope YOU are having a Merry Christmas!"  not "Hello! I am having a Merry Christmas! Don't you wish you were me!"  This means...wait for it...that you have to know if someone CELEBRATES Christmas before you can wish THEM a "Merry Christmas!"  You cannot FORCE someone to have a merry anything they don't actually celebrate! "Merry Christmas!" is not some sort of magical Tinsel Bazooka with which you can inflict happiness on random passersby! That's not how any of this works!   

Before you try to come up with some sort of mental gymnastics about how non-Christians might actually enjoy watching you and your fellow Christians deck the halls, just stop.... We both know there is a huge difference between "I hope YOU will have a Merry Christmas!" and "I hope MY having a wonderful  Christmas also brings you Merriness as an accidental side effect!", so don't even try it.  You also don't get to whine that Atheist and other non-Christians often decorate their house and give out presents too, because again those people are CELEBRATING Christmas (or Happy Capitalism and Gaudy Decorations Day to be more accurate), so it still falls under the same rule.

Now don't  get your sparkly Santa panties all in a twist, because I'm about to get to the part where you can say AND hear "Merry Christmas" all the time again!  There is only one simple rule to saying "Merry Christmas" properly:  Wish a "Merry Christmas" to anyone you can tell celebrates Christmas! That's it! So simple right?! How can you tell if someone celebrates Christmas? Just look! If they're wearing a ridiculous reindeer headband or glittery red and green scarf, wish them a Merry Christmas! If you recognize them from your church, wish them a Merry Christmas! If you see them strolling out of their 3000 light bedazzled home, wish them a Merry Christmas! If they are wearing some sort of cross or other Christian jewelry, Merry Christmas away! If they belong to a race group you presume is 100% Christian...FREEZE, because that one doesn't actually work!

I can hear you blubbering at your screen "But that sweet old man seems so nice and I want him to have a Merry Christmas, but he isn't wearing anything red and green and tacky....what do I do?!"  Simple...talk to him!  What better way to spread actual Christmas cheer than by really talking to people instead of just firing off hollow well wishes you really don't mean!  Say "Good Morning sweet old man, how are you?! ...Tell me, are you celebrating any holidays this month?! Christmas!  That's GREAT! Me too! Merry Christmas!"  Look at you...you just made a new friend and you already have one thing in common! 

Before you wail "But what I really wanted is for random people to wish ME a Merry Christmas again!", just remember the one rule is for everyone, so simply let everyone know you celebrate Christmas! You can get a ridiculous Santa hat at the Dollar Store, so there is no financial barrier. If you prefer to retain some of your fashion sense,  you can buy yourself a lovely pin!  Better yet, buy a bunch of pins and leave them out in baskets around your community, making future passersby easier to identify!  Look at you actually giving charity and spreading good cheer instead of blowing all your money on presents!  Celebrating Christmas instead of Happy Capitalism and Gaudy Decorations Day feels pretty good right?!

Now if you've suddenly realized "You know, I really don't care if all those people I'm shouting 'Merry Christmas!' at are actually merry or celebrating Christmas! I'm shouting it because it makes ME feel good and puts ME in the Christmas spirit and I don't want to stop!" We'll, I hate to break it to you, but you're selfish and have an issue with consent you need to work on.  You don't get to use the humans around you as background actors to your life movie. Other people don't exist just to bring you pleasure. In fact, your entire religion is kind of founded on the idea that you're supposed to care about other's happiness more than your own.  Using other people to brighten up your holiday without caring if you're brightening up theirs is kind of a creepy low level form of greeting rape that you really need to think through and sit with for a minute. You might find that you had the "War on Christmas" all wrong and it was actually you doing all the attacking (in the form of trying to force everyone else to celebrate your holiday to make it feel better for you).

Presuming you're not one of the selfish people that stopped reading after that last paragraph, let's talk about the actual toughest part....what to do when you really don't want to take the time to talk to someone new, they're not wearing a Santa hat, but you're just so full of the Christmas spirit that you think you might burst and you really want to wish a Merry Christmas for THEM?!  You know the answer....it's say "Happy Holidays!"  Given how much Christmas merchandise Home Depot and Walmart sells every year, I'm guessing you'll already have had at least 1000+ daily opportunities to say "Merry Christmas!", so one "Happy Holidays!" won't kill you. Happy Holidays includes Christmas, so you celebrate it too! But the magic here is that "Happy Holidays" also includes Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Yule, Festivus, Happy Capitalism and Gaudy Decorations Day, or anything else that sweet old man is celebrating!  "Happy Holidays" isn't losing Christmas, it's gaining joy for everyone, which frankly our country could really use right now!  In fact, it is probably your patriotic duty to wish as much happiness for as many people as possible these days, so don't skimp and get wishing!  

Merry Christmas to All You Christians and Happy Holidays for Everyone!

(Please Share if You Agree!)