For those of you who do not have People of Color, non-Christians, or women in your lives to share their stories with you, but are still finding it hard to find the legitimacy in why these groups are freaking out and so scared and angry right now under the Trump administration...I will share with you the personal experiences of my life as a Jewish African American Woman that have "colored" my world view and justified my fear and anger.
I am sharing them not because my experiences are exceptional, but because the are so average. I've lived my whole life in the cradle of Liberal New England, so this list could be so much worse.
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO FEAR
The first time I was called Nigger was in 2nd grade. My White teacher tried to console me by assuring me that I "wasn't really Black, more like Café Ole", making it clear even to my childhood self that being darker was worthy of derision.
Since then I have been called Nappy, Monkey, Oreo, and a host of other terms on enough occasions throughout my childhood that I've stopped counting.
I had kids chase me out of my neighborhood playground after school throwing snowballs full of broken glass while shouting slurs.
My Jewish great grandmother told me stories about her escaping the Pogroms of Russia including how she watch her Rabbi get dragged to death by his beard through the streets by Cossacks on horseback. My African American father told me about his experiences of growing up in segregation and the ghetto. My Jewish mother told me about how she was disowned by my grandparents for years for marrying my Black father. Sleep tight little girl.
When I got older, my sister and I switched to a 95%+ White High School, her senior and my freshman year, and we joined the cheerleading squad. They intentionally dropped pyramid lifts on us to injure us and harassed us till we quit, which the coaches openly encouraged.
I watched my sister's face when she found out that the White boy she went on her first date with was beaten up that night by his father and forced to break up with her.
I had a girl walk down the school hallway behind me between classes chanting "Hey Nigger" and then slam me into the lockers for ignoring her. Luckily, I was strong enough to push her to the floor to stop the escalation, but she threatened to get me later. Sleep tight big girl.
Due to my height, I learned the "joys" of cat calling early and how fast the compliments turned to Bitch and Cunt for not accepting their advances. I had a man follow me for a full block, first compliments, then "What? You think you're too good for me?", to threatening that "you need a real man to give it to you HARD" till I found a store to duck into and hide in till he left.
When I got into a Top 25 University, a close family relative told my mom that I only got in due to Affirmative Action. My 3.97 GPA, top 8% nationwide SAT scores, and laundry list of extracurriculars were apparently irrelevant.
When I went to that Top 25 University, several of my Black classmates walking through campus were screeching patrol car in front of them stopped, frisked, harassed, and almost arrested because the campus police could not believe a group of Black men went to our university.
My White college sweetheart of over a year finally let me briefly meet his father. I got a nod of visual recognition, no more. Afterward, the only sentence his Dad uttered to him regarding me was "fuck her if you must, just don't marry her". Needless to say, he didn't.
I was date-raped my Junior year on a first date with a boy that was so sweet, smart and mild-mannered to talk to. He sent me a dozen long stem roses afterward to apologize. Despite the bruises on my neck and upper arms, he couldn't understand why I didn't want to go out with him again.
When I graduated and landed my first big sales job at Fortune 500 company, I was made to answer to "sweetheart", "<Company Name> Chick" and "<Company Name> Girl" by my clients for years . Some sales reps of the distributors I managed slipped into my lead stack the address of a strip club, so I wouldn't know till I arrived. I was solicited for dinner and drinks by the married men of my accounts numerous times, where I had to politely giggle it off to keep my career. One manager at one of larger customers sales meetings introduced me to his sales reps for a presentation ending his opener "remember guys, her eyes are up here. Take it away sweetie".
While on a business trip, I was made to stand on the curb of a closed southern airport in the middle of the night for 45 min as my driver circled repeatedly past me, because he could not imagine the large corporation who booked him could have hired a Black woman for any sort of important position. We then spent an excruciating 45 min ride alone together, where he admitted as such, told me how "articulate" I was, asked to feel my hair, and marveled that I went to college.
When my Fortune 500 company had layoffs, even though I was 3rd in the entire region for profitability at the time, my closest co-worker assured me that I would not be laid off because they needed me "for their stats", my contributions notwithstanding apparently.
I could keep going, but frankly it is just more of the same. The only central themes are that every person, whether I knew them for years or for moments, all seemed so nice up until the moment they weren't....that and the knowledge that these events will. never. stop.
This list is far from cumulative and has nothing to do with all the financial, family, school, work and other life challenges everyone has to deal with, including myself....they are just the extra layer on top that I've been expected to politely shoulder because of how I was born. This list is the same list every minority, LGTBQ, non-Christian, and woman in your life is shouldering.....or most likely worse.
I have reason to be afraid. I have reason to be angry. I have reason to worry that the Trump administration seems fixated on emboldening the very people who have caused my lifetime of danger and indignities. I will continue to be the loving, kind, hard-working friend and colleague I have always been, as this list has always been with me and it hasn't broken me yet. It hasn't broken your other minority friends yet either. Now you just have context to why we've all been so upset under the Trump campaign and administration and a brief window into our world. We'll all probably go back to quietly shouldering all this and swallowing our pain soon enough, but don't think because your social media newsfeeds go back to pictures of babies and cats that it's stopped for us. Try to remember.
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO FEAR
The first time I was called Nigger was in 2nd grade. My White teacher tried to console me by assuring me that I "wasn't really Black, more like Café Ole", making it clear even to my childhood self that being darker was worthy of derision.
Since then I have been called Nappy, Monkey, Oreo, and a host of other terms on enough occasions throughout my childhood that I've stopped counting.
I had kids chase me out of my neighborhood playground after school throwing snowballs full of broken glass while shouting slurs.
My Jewish great grandmother told me stories about her escaping the Pogroms of Russia including how she watch her Rabbi get dragged to death by his beard through the streets by Cossacks on horseback. My African American father told me about his experiences of growing up in segregation and the ghetto. My Jewish mother told me about how she was disowned by my grandparents for years for marrying my Black father. Sleep tight little girl.
When I got older, my sister and I switched to a 95%+ White High School, her senior and my freshman year, and we joined the cheerleading squad. They intentionally dropped pyramid lifts on us to injure us and harassed us till we quit, which the coaches openly encouraged.
I watched my sister's face when she found out that the White boy she went on her first date with was beaten up that night by his father and forced to break up with her.
I had a girl walk down the school hallway behind me between classes chanting "Hey Nigger" and then slam me into the lockers for ignoring her. Luckily, I was strong enough to push her to the floor to stop the escalation, but she threatened to get me later. Sleep tight big girl.
Due to my height, I learned the "joys" of cat calling early and how fast the compliments turned to Bitch and Cunt for not accepting their advances. I had a man follow me for a full block, first compliments, then "What? You think you're too good for me?", to threatening that "you need a real man to give it to you HARD" till I found a store to duck into and hide in till he left.
When I got into a Top 25 University, a close family relative told my mom that I only got in due to Affirmative Action. My 3.97 GPA, top 8% nationwide SAT scores, and laundry list of extracurriculars were apparently irrelevant.
When I went to that Top 25 University, several of my Black classmates walking through campus were screeching patrol car in front of them stopped, frisked, harassed, and almost arrested because the campus police could not believe a group of Black men went to our university.
My White college sweetheart of over a year finally let me briefly meet his father. I got a nod of visual recognition, no more. Afterward, the only sentence his Dad uttered to him regarding me was "fuck her if you must, just don't marry her". Needless to say, he didn't.
I was date-raped my Junior year on a first date with a boy that was so sweet, smart and mild-mannered to talk to. He sent me a dozen long stem roses afterward to apologize. Despite the bruises on my neck and upper arms, he couldn't understand why I didn't want to go out with him again.
When I graduated and landed my first big sales job at Fortune 500 company, I was made to answer to "sweetheart", "<Company Name> Chick" and "<Company Name> Girl" by my clients for years . Some sales reps of the distributors I managed slipped into my lead stack the address of a strip club, so I wouldn't know till I arrived. I was solicited for dinner and drinks by the married men of my accounts numerous times, where I had to politely giggle it off to keep my career. One manager at one of larger customers sales meetings introduced me to his sales reps for a presentation ending his opener "remember guys, her eyes are up here. Take it away sweetie".
While on a business trip, I was made to stand on the curb of a closed southern airport in the middle of the night for 45 min as my driver circled repeatedly past me, because he could not imagine the large corporation who booked him could have hired a Black woman for any sort of important position. We then spent an excruciating 45 min ride alone together, where he admitted as such, told me how "articulate" I was, asked to feel my hair, and marveled that I went to college.
When my Fortune 500 company had layoffs, even though I was 3rd in the entire region for profitability at the time, my closest co-worker assured me that I would not be laid off because they needed me "for their stats", my contributions notwithstanding apparently.
I could keep going, but frankly it is just more of the same. The only central themes are that every person, whether I knew them for years or for moments, all seemed so nice up until the moment they weren't....that and the knowledge that these events will. never. stop.
This list is far from cumulative and has nothing to do with all the financial, family, school, work and other life challenges everyone has to deal with, including myself....they are just the extra layer on top that I've been expected to politely shoulder because of how I was born. This list is the same list every minority, LGTBQ, non-Christian, and woman in your life is shouldering.....or most likely worse.
I have reason to be afraid. I have reason to be angry. I have reason to worry that the Trump administration seems fixated on emboldening the very people who have caused my lifetime of danger and indignities. I will continue to be the loving, kind, hard-working friend and colleague I have always been, as this list has always been with me and it hasn't broken me yet. It hasn't broken your other minority friends yet either. Now you just have context to why we've all been so upset under the Trump campaign and administration and a brief window into our world. We'll all probably go back to quietly shouldering all this and swallowing our pain soon enough, but don't think because your social media newsfeeds go back to pictures of babies and cats that it's stopped for us. Try to remember.
and dont think its new. i am so tired. i am tired of watching my friends suddenly discover antisemitism. cause its new you know. i am tired of my friends look at me uncomprehensibly when i say i fear the immigration policies because they forget where i am from. i am tired of my friends be surprised by all this "new" discrimination. i am tired of watching people come to the understanding i have had my entire life the understanding that permiates the air i breath so much that it is nothing but the background radiation of life.
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